Eugene Jarvis invented the Smart Bomb.
Let that sink in for a second. In fact, let
me restate it with clever punctuation and typography to aid the
in-sinking process.
Eugene Jarvis. INVENTED.
The Smart Bomb.
I had to hammer this home to a colleague the
other month when – as happens in the exciting, cosmopolitan
lives of games journos – we were discussing the best gaming
weapons ever. I ventured the Smart Bomb, and said colleague tried
to shout it down on the grounds that it’s in loads of games
and so it doesn’t count.
Rather than reach for the nearest blunt, heavy
object, I explained that I was speaking of the Smart Bomb in Defender.
First time ever. Invention thereof. He still wasn’t having
it, so I reached for the nearest blunt, heavy object and stubbed
my cigarette out in it. Pub, y’see. Witnesses.
A (stroppy) smart bomb, yesterday.
Now, I’ve never been what you’d
call a Defender player. Back when it ruled the arcades I lacked
the disposable income to put into it. Or a local arcade that actually
had a Defender machine. Defender’s one of those games that
demands a lot of attention, and I was unable to provide it. Consequently,
I am shit at Defender, but I love what it does. And the Smart
Bomb is Eugene Jarvis’s greatest gift to gaming.
It’s an awesome invention. It’s
the gaming equivalent of a Get Out Of Jail Free card. It’s
been borrowed – and diluted in the process – by countless
others. But those full-screen-explosions of more recent times
are shit compared to the original. They look nicer, but they have
a tendency to deal large amounts of damage. A sort of Escape From
Jail And Have A Bit Of A Head Start And Look Dead Impressive card.
And I’m not keen on that. Defender gives the impression
that the Smart Bomb’s a last resort kind of thing, for when
there’s no way out. You feel that if you play skilfully
enough you shouldn’t need the Smart Bomb. That’s not
the case with its bastard children – you just know that
there are places where you’re expected to hit that second
button. It’s probably writ large in the (ugh) design document
(“Here’s the bit that you can only get through by
hitting the Apocalyptiblast™ which delivers a seventy-five
per cent hit point reduction to the level boss, permitting progress
to the next level”).
Under no circumstances should
you press the SHINY GREEN BUTTON.
Not the Smart Bomb. Wham. Bam. You’re
fucking dead, pal. It’s a beautiful piece of engineering
from the days when you shot shit and it blew up, first time. And
not only is it beautiful, it’s near-impossible. It kills
everything except you and the Humanoids. Ridiculous! How the fuck
is it supposed to do that? I’ve put far too much thought
into wondering how it works, and I’m baffled. Perhaps it
involves some kind of localised anti-matter pulse against which
you and the lucky humanoids are shielded. In which case, why not
develop extra shielding that lets you happily stroll through the
alien swarms singing: “La la la! You can’t hurt me!”?
Maybe it’s an incredibly well-controlled field attack that
identifies enemies and takes them out instantly? In which case,
turn the scientific attention to making all your weapons like
that.
Perhaps it’s magic.
Obviously it’s best not to think about
it. Sod the explanations – fact is that, in its original
form, the Smart Bomb is a genuine piece of gaming history. Cherish
it, and try to remember to use it.
And be thankful that it only exists in games.
Because if someone invented it for real, they’d own the
world in a matter of days.
JEDBURGH,
February 2004.
Comment
Here. (Its working again).
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Things to 'Make' and 'Do'.
Our favourite
smart bomb.
Da Bomb.
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