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Science-based Deathmatch. Greetings, Technology fans. My name is Judith Mann, and I’m an expert in Science. As the world eagerly awaits the release of the two new handheld gaming systems from the industry’s leading names, we here at our labs have put these two systems under the microscope to tell you exactly what they are capable of. Through exhaustive experimentation and tireless testing, we hope to bring you the definitive guide to these systems, and how they can change your lives. In the name of SCIENCE… let there be backlights!
The Clientele
Our research has shown that the Nintendo DS is aimed at knuckle-dragging stick in the mud Retro Gamers. The type of people who like to eat ‘Tiffin’ and refuse to chuck out their old copies of the Beano. The type of person who can’t sleep without their Horlicks, and likes real ale and a nice ploughman’s. The PSP on the other hand... ...will be principally aimed at the offspring of recent divorced couples. The purchasing of one of these on behalf of a child will guarantee that child’s favour. Technically superior and marginally more expensive, the PSP is likely to join the ranks of the iPod in the ‘I only bought it to show people I’ve got one’ stakes.
The Features Pornability: We know both devices are portable, but just how Pornable are they? PSP
With a bit of tinkering and a Memory Stick, it is possible to turn your PSP into an all singing, all dancing, all spurting Soho-style Cinema in your pocket. (Actual screen shot - this film is what we had running on our first PSP after just twenty minutes of Rodent ownership. Yes, we are very proud.) DS
With a bit of sticky-tape and a few old copies of Razzle or indeed any Jazz mag, you can create your own Franken-filth by sticking cut-outs of your favourite norks on the top screen, and nether regions on the bottom one. (Actual screen damage) Moth Terminationability: I hate Moths. Mocking me, watching me, taunting me every minute of the night. The only good moth is a dead moth, as I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s the only way to stop them spreading their evil lies. Luckily, both handhelds have the ability to assist you in destroying moths, which I’m sure you’ll agree, is a positive boon. DS
Good news for you, bad news for moths, the DS can be used as a sophisticated Venus Fly-Trap. By leaving the unit switched on, and opened up, the light from the dual screens will attract any nearby moths and with a quick snap-shut… Hey Presto! Dead moth.
By the lure of the glorious screen, and the sub-sonic whirring of the UMD, designed by experts to make the noise of a moth with big tits saying ‘Come here, big boy…’ the powdery-winged cunts will be unable to resist. Then, like them insect electrocuters popular in Fish & Chips shops, the heat generated from the overly bright screen will spell the death for any careless winged arthropod who dares to flutter too near. In summary, then…
February 2005
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