Why I Love...
Bonus Stage

Bend it like a bender. You bender.




Complete set of back issues here




Hello loves! What a load of old cock summer is – shitty release schedules and being forced by the missus to spend time with people you don’t like much. Luckily most of us at Rodent Towers are now too old to have to spend every single fucking weekend of the summer standing around sweating at an endless stream of mates’ weddings – so at least we’ll have a bit of free time in which to sit and complain about how little there is to play.

Like the really lovely and special people we so are, we’re plugging that gap for you with some cracking ‘content’ this month. First-up is a bit of an exclusive – a real one, not just one we’ve copied from somewhere obscure and dressed-up as our own.


And what an exclusive it is: we’re chuffed to buggery to present Paul “Mr Biffo” Rose off of videogames legend – Paul’s written a proper book that makes us laugh and bleed and we hope it will do the same for you. It’s called Confessions of a Chatroom freak and offers up the simple and ace premise of a pretend bird hanging out in chatrooms and baiting the desperate. Us videogamers are among the most desperate of them all so, bless her/him, Lisa thought she ought to have a crack at bringing some light to the end of our gamer tunnels and the result is our lead feature this month. It’s mental.

Then we've got two cracking new columns - Oddbob brings us the inside track on what's hot in Indie gaming and PaulEMoz explains why we really ought to give this videogames lark a miss.

There's some reviews and that and stuff too- ooh it's packed I tell thee. PACKED! Oh and yeah - we did miss a month, you've not gone mental. Real life and the lack of interesting stuff kicked in.

Richard Koworld, June 2007

Next Month...

RSS Feeds
Useful overview of RSS & Rodent

Confessions of a Chatroom Freak
Mr Biffo goes transgender. Again.
This Gaming Life
It's a Kentish Man's life alright.
Oddbob's Indie Adventures
An inside-view on indie-gaming gold.
Games That Ruined Our Lives
New regular column on how games destroy!
Senior Week 1984
More from Americaland with Maibock.
The Red Star
More comicbook tie-ins - any good?
Gunpey DS/PSP
Double the fun or somesuch.
Ridge Racer 7
Oh dear.
Shadows Over Camelot
More board gaming fun and that.
After Burner Black Falcon
Fly me to the danger zone indeed.
Final Fantasy Umpteen Something
Final just never is.
Silent Hill II
Ahh come on - it's just special.
Half-Life 2
Nostagic already.
Image of the Month - Film Tie-Ins.
Oh there's puns, oh yes there's puns alright.



Mr Nath
[...on Tomb Raider Anniversary] "As I mentioned briefly elsewhere, I'm currently reviewing the new Tomb Raider game. It's great - I gave it a healthy score, and the review's all finished. But it's one of the rare games I actually want to keep playing and complete. The trouble is I've come across an absolute bastard of a puzzle. This is the snag of being one of the first people to play a game - you can't look up how to do the difficult bits on the internet. Bastards. [Goes on to describe the puzzle in detail]"



[...on Tomb Raider Anniversary] "It's a problem of inverses. Instead of thinking of moving the one you're moving, think about moving all the others instead. Let's say the pillars start off in configuration 1 2 3 4 and you need to make it 4 4 4 4. Therefore, you know you need to rotate the first by (n mod 4 == 3), the second by (n mod 4 == 2), etc. So if you consider rotating the pillars by 4, 3, 2 and 1 you end up with each pillar increasing by (4 + 3 + 1)=8=0, (4 + 3 + 2)=9=1, (3 + 2 + 1)=6=2, (2 + 1 + 4)=7=3. Therefore, if you run this in the order 4 3 2 1 you end up with 4 4 4 4"




[...on Tomb Raider Anniversary] "What colour knickers is she wearing?"

We proudly present Rodent's world famous bid to list the top 5 of everything in the world.

ScratchMonkey, SolidChris, OnePunchMickey, Fil, Stu Dogg
Top 5 Ways to Get Out of Going to See the Missus' Family.

Have Bushido Blade on and when she says that it's time to go, point out that one of your legs has been chopped off. If she tries using logic on you, just grab your leg and scream.

Sob and shout: "I've just played 15 levels of Cannon Fodder and I just lost Jools and Jops in a botched Skidoo mission. I just need some fucking time please."

Look, I hate your family. Your family hates me. It would be much less stressful if I stayed here and got some serious gaming under my belt, rather than going to this family thing and everyone being miserable as a result. And I'll be all gamed-out when you come back so I'll be well ready for some quality time discussing curtains and/or relationships. Okay love?

I'm sorry, I can't go and see your family this weekend because I must go to China to find Lan Di and avenge my father's death. Also, do you know of a place where sailors might hang out?

Tell her your xbox-live will run out while you're away. Tell her there is a new rule that if you don't play on it for a solid six hours on your last day then you have to wait till some one leaves because live is nearly full up and you are very lucky to have a place. If she says "so what" tell her that the only mates you have are the ones online because she went and got herself pregnant and all your mates have fucked off. Then break down and cry hugging your 360 saying "This is my only escape don't take it away from me."