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Trip Hawkins.
The father of the 3D0 strikes back.

New Beginnings.
Why new is not always a good thing.

Three Times a Lady.
A cautionary tale of unrequited love.

Nintendo's Lost Console.
It probably fell down the back of the sofa.

American Football.
What Dio did for his holidays.

Eugenius Redux.
Tony literally bumped into Eugene last week.

A Marriage Made In Heaven?
Xbox Live and the Beautiful Game.

This Gaming Life.
Like the Sopranos relocated to Bedford Falls.

Ridge Racer 6 (360).
Slip, slap, slop?

The Movies (PC).
Alan Smithee says 'Enough is fucking enough'.

Me and My Katamari (PSP).
Chris loses his Damacy virginity...

Grip Shift (PSP).
Not what you’d expect from the cover.
Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan!
No-budget brilliance, or just plain shite?
The Con (PSP).
The gayest videogame ever made.
Vijay Singh 3D.
Matt presents the case for mobile gaming.
Rally Report.
TV lies.
Peter Molyneux presents...
I sense much anger.
My Mate Shigsy.
The Teashop welcomes a visitor.
Image of the Month.
Half-hearted Publishing.

 

Swith
"Each game is like another line of cocaine, having less and less an effect on you until every blue moon something pure comes along. You're always looking to recreate that unobtainable exhilarating first couple of hits, so in the end you're just spending money of the process of buying a game rather than the thrill of playing, which can so rarely live up to the mammoth expectations you're putting on it.

There aren't any less good games being made, it's just sometimes you've got to remember that we're getting harder and harder to please as we play more games, and more nostalgia points are added to previous games.”

 

J.Arthur Mullard
"...thing is, right, no listen, right, thing is, like, right, no listen right, yeah, right, oh christ I'm so FUCKING WIRED! EXTREEEME! You got a pretty ass by the way. Can I touch it. Please?"

 

F0zz
"My 10 year old has just beaten all my time trial records on Double Dash. The ones I spent three hours on Sunday setting. 'Except Baby Park,' he said. 'Too easy and it seemed sad to leave you with nothing.'"

We proudly present Rodent's world famous bid to list the top 5 of everything in the world.

Rodents' VALENTINE SPECIAL!
Top 10 Ways to Dump Your Girlfriend Through the Magic of Videogames:

Kill her nintendog.

 

In BF42, make a screen name as "Our Relationship" and take flight in a spitfire and head, nose first, into the ground doing about 300mph, all the while raising your eyebrows up and down as she stares blankly at the dive.

Bongo, Donkey Konga style, the Guns 'n' Roses classic "Back Off Bitch" swiftly followed by their cover of "I Don't Care About You" on her tits: repeatedly until she leaves.

When your turn comes at the inevitable Christmas SingStar session, preferably in front of her extended family, look soulfully into her eyes and, no matter what music is playing, sing "I'm Not In Love" by 10cc at the top of your voice.

 
Tell her that if she asks you to stop playing "Half-Quake" once more, she can get the fuck out of the house. Forever.
 
Find the sad SIMS2 game she has set up with idealised representations of you and her playing happy families in it and make her fuck the neighbourhood lesbian.
 
Just before sex, leave the room and return with a joypad. Slowly wrap the lead around the old man and leave the pad dangling in mid air. Then stand by her until you return to flaccid and gently sob and whimper when the pad hits the floor. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER.
She'll leave. Trust us.
 

Climb up her and stab her magic weak spot.

Replace her EyeToy with an always-on webcam.

"Hey, honey, you know how in Resident Evil 4, you only get a limited amount of space in your briefcase? And then you buy the TMP, thinking it's going to be the best thing ever, but then you use it and just get slightly disillusioned with it, and later you realise you haven't used it to kill a zombie in ages? And then you think, I could use that briefcase space for something more useful, I might as well just give up on it? Well, I've been thinking about us, and..."

 
Rodent's
Featured favourite indie game.

Advance Wars By Web
Introduced by: Maibock
"Turn based games are handy for dashing in, making a few moves and dashing out, on with your busy life. And it's that recipe which has gotten me hooked on this web based Advanced War game. Getting to play versus real people is truly a blast and fantastically unpredictable. It’s turn-based Advance Wars – kinda play-by-mail but on-line. It’s elegant and fun – if you like your AW you’ll love this."
Get it here.

 
 


"Together at Last" as modeled by a special needs kid we paid with a lolly.

 
 
Animal Crossing DS

Animal Crossing has fucked with my head. I got up at 9AM on Sunday just to go to a penguin's birthday party - for no reason other than that I quite like him. I gave him an NWA T-shirt I designed. He’s not worn it out yet.
I've got my friend Teddy, who is a bear, coming round to my little house at 20 past 8 tonight to hang out. I've actually had to write the time on my hand so I don't forget. I am truly loving this.
Swith
Nintendo DS

King Kong
I'm finally about to leave Skull Island. Once you get over the basic shitness of the game it's actually really enjoyable. I'll be sorry to see it go. Is it too much to expect a rhythm action sub-game where Kong and Ann go ice dancing d'you suppose?
Ahchay
Xbox 360
Desperate Housewives S2
Millennium Twin Peaks. Brilliant.
Koworld
Channel 4 - Wednesdays
Rushmore
A film about a kid who falls in love with his teacher, who in turn falls for his older friend (Bill Murray). Except it's not, it's about beautiful idiosyncrasies, warped but warm relationships and a kick-ass soundtrack. Maybe me favourite.
Dogg
Usual retailers
RE4 - Mercs
Mercs is a timed mode (unlocked by completing the main game) in which you rack up high scores using kill combos (killing a large number of enemies in a row) and take down a number of boss characters on each level. There are four characters to use (two are brand new) and four levels (Village, Castle, Island and Waterworld). Its like Resi 4 Arcade.
And I fucking love it.
Devoncommando
Playstation 2 version ONLY
My Name is Earl

Deadbeat Earl (Jason Lee) finds karma and chooses to live his life according to it's basic rule. Except Earl realises he has some catching up to do so sets out to undo all the bad stuff he's ever done - ranging from paying for windows broken as a child to returning the car he stole from a one-legged girl. Thing is, the plots are barking but are played for real, albeit a slapstick-reality, and the phenomenally well-constructed characters have you rooting for their success every time. And it is coughing-fit funny - my favorite is broadcast this month: a Smokey and the Bandit homage "But you're always the Bandit - I wanna be the Bandit." Ace.
Koworld
Channel 4 - Fridays

Project Gotham Racing 2
The absolute best thing about PGR2 is the way that it's weighted so you're never stuck completely on a level - if you can't do something, drop it down a difficulty and go for a different medal (I went through it on Silver to begin with, Golds on the ones that I did really well on and had to drop it down to Bronze for a couple of races to begin with). You only get penalised in that you'll have fewer tokens to unlock cars with at the end. You can always go back to races once you've honed your mad skillz to go for the higher medals anyway though. It's a wonderfully thought-out system. Top, top game.
NBCL
Xbox

Complete set of back issues here


Welcome back
I hope you didn’t miss us too much, we’ve been…

Well, we’ve mainly been sleeping to be honest. We needed the rest.

But we’re awake now, ready to usher in a brave new generation which, we are sure, will be the beginning of a new age of enlightenment like in that musical with the naked people. And not just an excuse for the big studios to rush out slightly improved versions of games that we already have. No really, this time it’s going to be different! I can feel it.

Leading the vanguard this month, we have Fuseball reviewing Ridge Racer 6 on the shiny new Xbox 360… Oh. Bollocks. That didn’t take long did it? But wait, don’t hate it just because it’s beautiful, read the review and then make up your mind. Also flying the flag for the Original Sprit this month comes Romanista, as we finally notice that quirky little DS rhythm game that everyone else has been going mad over for the last three months, and the PSP gets something all of its own to play with too.

Truth be told, the idea of a ‘next generation’ has always, and will continue to be, nothing more than an elaborate system of smoke and mirrors. We cling to the idea that there is something magical, something capable of rekindling our love of videogames, just around the corner. We love the 360 as much as the next fanboy, and we’re itching to wrap our hands around the Revolution, but we don’t need to search the elusive next-gen for the Original Spirit – something that Dio, PlayerOne and nitebycandlelite all demonstrate this month.

Oh bugger it, no-one reads this bit anyway. Contents are over there cunningly hidden under the bit that says ‘Contents’ – check out Tony’s Trip Hawkins interview to find out what happens when you bottle up your anger for eight years, and don’t forget to drop in on Reggie and Shigsy’s tea shop, if you dare. We also bring you Way of the Rodent’s exclusive strategy guide to Peter Molyneux, available soon in a handy pocket size version.

Here’s a poem. You might have to verbally squint a bit to make it rhyme. Sorry.

Ode to Turtle Bridge

A bridge made out of turtles?
That cannot be ethically sound,
Or, indeed, structurally viable.

That parcel doesn't look too large,
You could throw it across that river,
Or invest in a handy barge.

Stamp!
Stamp on their heads.
Make them forget the fish!
Little fish.
Big fish.
Lovely fish.
Forget the fish!
Stamp!

Turtles, little known, are actually delicious
When served as a warming soup or pie
But, while tasty, are morally ambiguous.

So leave the jumping to that fat plumber
Lay down the parcel on the bank
And gorge yourself on boiled chelonia

Cheers

Chris, Editor - February 2006


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Shenmue Darts
By TT and Majidah


Ryu - seminal camp sailor-baiting lead character from gaming opus, Shenmue.


Dutch darts sensation Jelle Klassen.

Ryu: Who're you?

Jelle: My name is Jelle Klassen

Ryu: Klassen? I hear you're a great thrower of darts.

Jelle: Yes. I have thrown darts in many tournaments.

Ryu: How long have you been throwing darts?

Jelle: Twenty years I have thrown darts for my country.

Ryu: Are you from far away?

Jelle: Far away? Yes I am from Denmark.

Ryu: How far away is it?

Jelle: Two mountains.