"I had the strangest dream last night.
I was wearing red trousers and a red jacket, a bit like Michael Jackson in thriller. I ran into a large theatre and fuck me, who was performing? Yup, you've guessed it: Shakin Stevens. Except he'd dyed his hair blond and grown it into a curly mullet a bit like Michael Bolton. AND he was wearing the exact same outfit as me.
For some reason, even though the audience of menopausal women could clearly see old Shakey on the stage they thought I was Shakin Steven and started to scream. And then they realised I wasn't and there was lots of tutting.
Cut to Part 2
This is horrible. I was trying to put a woolly jumper on in the toilet and my sleeve accidently dropped down the toilet. In the toilet was a large, bloody lump of poo and the sleeve brushed against it.
So I was trying to wash the poo off but all that was going into the sink was bit lumps of hair off my jumper and the smell, the smell! I started to wretch and woke up with a stomach ache.
Don't eat an almond finger before bed time kids."